Language: English
"Do I really deserve to be here?"
Often, I would often ask this question to myself, as I struggle through the hardships of MIT. Well actually, this mentality has been going on ever since the beginning of my Science Olympiad career (which is like, forever):
"Am I really deserving to win as opposed to the many brilliant minds and competitions?"
"Was it just luck?"
"Did the judges make the wrong call?"
And truth be told, even today, I sometimes would not be able to shake the idea off my head. As someone who has to work hard to earn his spot, I couldn't bear the idea of taking someone else's spot who (sometimes very clearly) is more deserving than me.
I suppose you have the same problem too.
Let me tell you my bit, and how I've been trying to overcome it.
Getting into MIT is hard, especially if you're an international. Let's put it into a little bit of a perspective. Not to scare you future applicants (I still heavily encourage everyone to apply to MIT, if you think the place is a great fit!), but every year, you get 3-6 Indonesian applicants (disclaimer: not an accurate statistic) who are an International Science Olympiad (ISO) medalists. Often, they are silver or gold medalists, meaning 'best of the best'. Impressive? Obviously.
Here's a scary fact. Only 1-2 Indonesians are admitted every year to MIT (best we had was 3 people, but that hasn't happened for the past 6 years). So chances are, among these gifted medalists (not to discount other applicants, who are amazing in each of their own way), only one would be able to call MIT a home.
My year arguably has one of the most competitive pools to select from in the past 5-6 years. Say for the sake of the argument (cause I don't want to disclose their identities) that in among who applied, there were several gold, silver as well as bronze medalists from many branches of ISOs, many of whom I knew from way back when. It was crazy really, to think that there could be only one of us friends to get into MIT.
I am not gonna lie; I wasn't the strongest (i.e smartest) applicant. I didn't do well on SATs (very mediocre, even to international standards). Couldn't even score a perfect 800 on SAT Math II (yes I suck, boohoo!). Medal rank-wise, I've lost to several individuals on the list above. I was from a no-name high school, from a no-name city in Indonesia, from a no-name family.
To sum it up, my chances are BEYOND TERRIBLE.
Stories are all I have. I'm not a good writer (as you can read). But I am a good gossiper. I am a good listener. And surprisingly, I have lived a unique, interesting life. My ups and downs brought me to where I was today. So that's where I excel. Essays, and that's what got me here.
But really, is that fair though? For me to be here.
For the longest time, this thought has been lingering in my mind. I am accepted to this school cause I kinda BS better than my fellow peers. Not for my innate talent or intellectual capability. I am no genius, let alone smart.
NO, I am not saying that I don't want to be here, cause I really do. I love MIT (though more like a love-and-hate relationship) from the bottom of my heart.
What I am saying is that there could be someone else, someone smarter, more promising talent, from Indonesia, HECK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A COUNTRY FOR GOD SAKE, 250 MILLION PEOPLE, AND INSTEAD THEY CHOSE TO INVEST ON ME. You know, A LOSER LIKE ME.
Like seriously, why me, and not them? Do I really have what it takes to represent my country here in this school? What if I under perform? What if I don't live up to the expectation?
My inner demon often drags me to darkest depth of my heart.
You know what pissed me off the most? It is that everyone treats me as if I were someone special, my friends and family, as if I were a prodigy or shit. As if I deserved this, and as much as I liked that to be true, that's not me...
I really am just an impostor.
.
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.
If you're looking for a solution to your problem, I am sorry to say that you came to a wrong place. Bitch, I am no wise man. Go figure.
Title says 'battling the impostor within,' that implies me battling it still.
But let me tell you this: "With great power comes great responsibility." - Uncle Ben to Spidey (not the best of quote, eh)
That's how I try to deal with it actually. I might've been an impostor, yes. I might not have been a qualified at all. But I can strive to be one. If I work hard enough, I can prove that me being here could be worthwhile.
I suppose that's how everyone should be trying to live life: to always see yourself as the underdog, not an impostor, regardless what you've accomplished in life, and keep aiming for the top, no matter how hard it takes. That's the only fair way to make it count.
And I realized that's exactly how I've been living my life really.
It doesn't matter where you come from; the past doesn't matter. Sometimes you hit the jackpot, sometimes you don't. Sometimes life is just a bitch. But what's done is done. What matters the most is that you never take anything for granted. Do make the best of every situation. That's what defines you. And when it comes down to it, that's always what matters, and I look forward to it every step of the way to beating my own demon.
Hopefully one day you'll overcome yours too :)
"Do I really deserve to be here?"
Often, I would often ask this question to myself, as I struggle through the hardships of MIT. Well actually, this mentality has been going on ever since the beginning of my Science Olympiad career (which is like, forever):
"Am I really deserving to win as opposed to the many brilliant minds and competitions?"
"Was it just luck?"
"Did the judges make the wrong call?"
And truth be told, even today, I sometimes would not be able to shake the idea off my head. As someone who has to work hard to earn his spot, I couldn't bear the idea of taking someone else's spot who (sometimes very clearly) is more deserving than me.
I suppose you have the same problem too.
Let me tell you my bit, and how I've been trying to overcome it.
Getting into MIT is hard, especially if you're an international. Let's put it into a little bit of a perspective. Not to scare you future applicants (I still heavily encourage everyone to apply to MIT, if you think the place is a great fit!), but every year, you get 3-6 Indonesian applicants (disclaimer: not an accurate statistic) who are an International Science Olympiad (ISO) medalists. Often, they are silver or gold medalists, meaning 'best of the best'. Impressive? Obviously.
Here's a scary fact. Only 1-2 Indonesians are admitted every year to MIT (best we had was 3 people, but that hasn't happened for the past 6 years). So chances are, among these gifted medalists (not to discount other applicants, who are amazing in each of their own way), only one would be able to call MIT a home.
My year arguably has one of the most competitive pools to select from in the past 5-6 years. Say for the sake of the argument (cause I don't want to disclose their identities) that in among who applied, there were several gold, silver as well as bronze medalists from many branches of ISOs, many of whom I knew from way back when. It was crazy really, to think that there could be only one of us friends to get into MIT.
I am not gonna lie; I wasn't the strongest (i.e smartest) applicant. I didn't do well on SATs (very mediocre, even to international standards). Couldn't even score a perfect 800 on SAT Math II (yes I suck, boohoo!). Medal rank-wise, I've lost to several individuals on the list above. I was from a no-name high school, from a no-name city in Indonesia, from a no-name family.
To sum it up, my chances are BEYOND TERRIBLE.
Stories are all I have. I'm not a good writer (as you can read). But I am a good gossiper. I am a good listener. And surprisingly, I have lived a unique, interesting life. My ups and downs brought me to where I was today. So that's where I excel. Essays, and that's what got me here.
But really, is that fair though? For me to be here.
For the longest time, this thought has been lingering in my mind. I am accepted to this school cause I kinda BS better than my fellow peers. Not for my innate talent or intellectual capability. I am no genius, let alone smart.
NO, I am not saying that I don't want to be here, cause I really do. I love MIT (though more like a love-and-hate relationship) from the bottom of my heart.
What I am saying is that there could be someone else, someone smarter, more promising talent, from Indonesia, HECK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A COUNTRY FOR GOD SAKE, 250 MILLION PEOPLE, AND INSTEAD THEY CHOSE TO INVEST ON ME. You know, A LOSER LIKE ME.
Like seriously, why me, and not them? Do I really have what it takes to represent my country here in this school? What if I under perform? What if I don't live up to the expectation?
My inner demon often drags me to darkest depth of my heart.
You know what pissed me off the most? It is that everyone treats me as if I were someone special, my friends and family, as if I were a prodigy or shit. As if I deserved this, and as much as I liked that to be true, that's not me...
I really am just an impostor.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If you're looking for a solution to your problem, I am sorry to say that you came to a wrong place. Bitch, I am no wise man. Go figure.
Title says 'battling the impostor within,' that implies me battling it still.
But let me tell you this: "With great power comes great responsibility." - Uncle Ben to Spidey (not the best of quote, eh)
That's how I try to deal with it actually. I might've been an impostor, yes. I might not have been a qualified at all. But I can strive to be one. If I work hard enough, I can prove that me being here could be worthwhile.
I suppose that's how everyone should be trying to live life: to always see yourself as the underdog, not an impostor, regardless what you've accomplished in life, and keep aiming for the top, no matter how hard it takes. That's the only fair way to make it count.
And I realized that's exactly how I've been living my life really.
It doesn't matter where you come from; the past doesn't matter. Sometimes you hit the jackpot, sometimes you don't. Sometimes life is just a bitch. But what's done is done. What matters the most is that you never take anything for granted. Do make the best of every situation. That's what defines you. And when it comes down to it, that's always what matters, and I look forward to it every step of the way to beating my own demon.
Hopefully one day you'll overcome yours too :)
I think, you are hard worker, Valen. That is valuable thing which inspire me. You must be grateful for that.
ReplyDeleteThanks. and I will :)
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