Language: English, Bahasa Indonesia and Meme
tl;dr:
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So where do I begin?
Unless you're hiding under a rock somewhere (speaking of which, I stumbled upon an amazing Patrick Star of SpongeBob SquarePants fanfiction/comic art recently, and it's SO GOOD and you have to read it. Linking the first chapter here.), 2020 has not been so kind to many people. But like in general, if I had to assume, the very beginning of 2020 should be okay for most people? Like people probably still went about making the new year's resolution as always. People were still hopeful that this could be the year for greatness to happen, ya know, cause nothing really crazy happened yet.
Well, I wasn't one of those people. I wasn't looking forward to 2020, AT ALL.
I landed back to the States on new year's day, after a short break at home in Indonesia. I had just finished my first quarter at Stanford, and honestly, things seemed pretty good fir a bit. I was experiencing the (limited) California life, ya know, can't complain. Tapi mendekati akhir tahun 2019, I experienced massive breakouts all over my face. Memang, aku dari dulu mukanya sering jerawatan, tapi ga pernah separah ini sih, dan aku masih ga tahu apa penyebabnya, apa karena alergi makanan atau lingkungan dsb., tapi untuk pertama kalinya seumur hidup mukaku dipenuhi dengan cysts bengkak, merah meradang.
I never really cared about looks, honestly, but I was horrified of what became of my face. Itu sakitnya luar biasa, tiap kali cuci muka, disentuh sedikit aja, mukanya langsung berdarah. So those few months (end of 2019-early 2020) were some of the lowest moments of my life: I was physically and mentally drained, hurt and ashamed. Ga jarang aku menangis sendiri di kamar, ga jarang aku sengaja menghindari untuk ketemu orang, walaupun teman dekat. Walaupun hanya teman seapartemen. I lost all my remaining self-confidence, yet whenever I leave the house, I still had to put a brave face out to the world like everything's okay.
I was completely broken. I was insecure. I'm not even tryna to be dramatic here, but I really hated myself. I kept blaming myself for something that's beyond my control. And in some sense, I am glad that Covid-19 existed, cause it was the perfect excuse I need to hide from the public.
It was rough, can't lie.
How am I doing now, you ask?
Better, I suppose. My wounds are healing, and it takes time certainly to get rid of all existing marks. Some may even stay for a lifetime.
I long debated about writing this. I could honestly just hide the truth and pretend that this year never happened. But I want to make the effort, baby steps, to learn to accept and forgive. Recently, a friend complimented my skin on snapchat, and even though my skin is still far from perfect, it was enough to make my day.
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Covid-19 put a halt on many occupations, including academic researchers'. Jika teman-teman ingat, kita sebagai siswa PhD melakukan yang namanya rotation, dimana kita bisa "mencicipi" berbagai lab sebelum kita memutuskan lab mana kita akan melakukan disertasi doktoral kita. So I was about to finish my 2nd of 3 minimally required rotations, when I suddenly fell sick. This happened some time early March, and remind you, this was when coronavirus gained a lot of traction in the States' news media (yeah we're lagging behind from the rest of the world...). This was also the weekend after our PhD recruitment week, in which I interacted with a bunch of strangers flying in from all corners of America, and just a week removed from a Galantis concert that I attended in SF, and all this made me crazy paranoid when I fell ill that weekend after.
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"Did I just get corona, gasp?!"
I ended up not finding out if it was really Covid-19 because I never got myself tested (it's more likely a culmination of stress and exhaustion from hosting that recruitment week). When I recovered, however, was when Stanford (and many US universities) decided to shut campus down (take SARS-Cov-2 seriously). As a result, like many PhD students around the States, I was labless (i.e jobless) for quite some time.
So what did I do to fill in the gap?
Well, for starters, I still took classes, albeit virtual through zoom. I tried picking up old and new hobbies. I drew and took photographs around the campus for the first time in a while. I taught myself how to play a ukelele. With half the campus residents gone (cause they kicked out anyone who's in communal houses i.e undergrads in their dorms), I took this opportunity to bike more at night, while karaoke-ing *gasping for air* I returned to some (lightweight) weight training, a long habit of mine in college (but with heavier sets). Did some room decor, binged Money Heist and Tiger King, danced Tiktok, pondered about life and career, read books, caught up with friends I haven't talked to in years, and cooked me some tasty Asian dishes. Hell, I even got the chance to blog again haha so overall, it was quite the productive break. And now as the time of this release, I'm back in lab, charged, and ready to do science again.
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| One of my photographs: Night @Stanford |
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| Hereby declaring Popeye's the better chicken sandwich. |
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| Made Soto Ayam for the house. |
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| My zoom background for a CS class I took this Spring |
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"Kapan ya bisa jalan2 ke mal lagi nongkrong bareng temen?"
"Bete nih di rumah terus. Main basket yuk."
"Lah korona mah, cuman kayak flu doang."
Watching the news and my social media feed, I know many of you are probably tired of this quarantine. But let's talk serious for a bit, and this is coming from someone who's actually studying the immune system, so I'm pretty sure my words bear more weight than emak-emak di grup WA keluargamu. Here's the deal. Forget about stupid conspiracy theories (korona buatan cina lah, atau kamu bisa kena korona dari gelombang radio tower 5G) cause no one got the time for plain idiocy. SARS-Cov-2, the virus, is real. The disease, COVID-19 is deadly.
"Lah, tingkat kematiannya bukan cuman 1 persenan doang. Tu mah cemen."
Yeah, but punch that number into your calculator, if SARS-Cov-2 spreads to every single person in the world, that would equate to 70 MILLION deaths. 70,000,000, that's 8 zeros!! Itu seperempat penduduk Indonesia, atau hampir setengah pulau Jawa. Bayangin loh, setengah pulau Jawa. Bisa meninggal dalam hitungan bulan-tahun, jika virus ini tidak ditanggulangi, and this number doesn't even consider the needless deaths that would follow when our hospitals and doctors are overwhelmed by the disease (that's why we need to practice social distancing to flatten the curve, a phrase that has probably been drilled to that skull of yours by now).
Say we forget about numbers for a second. We know that Covid-19 hits the hardest on the older, aging and immunocompromised population. Aku jujur sendiri ga takut kalau terinfeksi korona. Cause in all likelihood, ya paling parah aku demam, mungkin harus dirawat inap di rumah sakit beberapa hari, sembuh, terus kebal. Yang aku sangat takuti adalah jika korona menginfeksi keluargaku yang sudah lanjut usia. Honestly, it would kill me if someone in my family would succumb to this disease, since I'm stuck here in the States and would not be able to see them anytime soon. Just imagining that scenario is a nightmare. So if not for yourself, do it for others. Do it for your grandparents. Your parents. Your teachers. Your friends. Your friends' parents. SARS-Cov-2 has not only become a war against the public health sector, but also human conscience and ego: how far are we, the healthy, privileged generation, willing to sacrifice to save others that are more vulnerable to this pandemic. Win or lose, it's up to each and every single one of us to decide the outcome.
I'm not saying that everyone should stay at home, cause that's a luxury that not everyone can afford. Untuk banyak orang Indonesia, terutama yang kerja di lapangan seperti tukang ojol, tukang buruh, dsb., ya memang harus terpaksa keluar rumah untuk makan sehari-hari. But for those you who do, please oh please be as responsible as you can to limit the spread of this virus. I'm pretty sure there's an obvious answer to picking between temporary lifestyle inconvenience of oneself and the permanent livelihood of many. And if you yourself have money to spare, please donate to the appropriate channels to help others in need during this difficult time. Kalau mau ngaku dan bangga menjadi bangsa Indonesia, maka bantulah rakyat di sekitarmu juga.
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"Btw vaksinnya kapan jadi kak? Denger-denger akhir 2020 ya?"
I honestly don't have an answer for you. Some say end of 2020, some say by mid 2021, not accounting for the time needed to mass manufacture the vaccine to the entire world. If you want my opinion, di Indo bisa expect vaksin baru keluar mungkin akhir 2021, awal 2022 atau mungkin akhir 2022. Soalnya Indo mengandalkan negara lain sih untuk vaksin, jadi lebih susah lagi untuk diprediksi. Jadi buat adek-adek yang udah bosan, you better start looking for a new hobby cause this 'new normal' is staying here for a long time.
And no, drinking bleach doesn't cure Covid-19.
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Congrats to the class of 2020 btw for graduating during this tough time! I know it's tough to graduate in such a condition without your friends for the past 4 years, and I know it didn't turn out to how you imagined it to be when you entered college, but it's an important life milestone regardless and you should still be proud of yourself.
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Oh I'm kinda bummed that my summer plan was cancelled. I was set to travel to Nagasaki, Japan this summer to volunteer for the International Biology Olympiad 2020, but the event was cancelled for obvious safety reasons. I was going to meet many friends and travel a bit after the event, but I really can't blame the organizers for reaching such decision. Oh well, perhaps some other time... Maybe IOI 2022?
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Kobe's (and Gigi's) passing was a shock, and so was Hana's (of Netflix's Terrace House). It took me a while to process this reality. (and as I'm writing this, I realized that this could be interpreted as a pun, but I never intended to joke about this)
I was never a big Kobe fan (I'm a Celtics fan myself), but you can't argue how much impact Kobe has brought to the game of basketball that I love today, and I'm forever grateful for his gift to the world. #MambaOut #8 #24
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Hana brought such a bright presence to the show, and it pains my heart to find out that her light was put out too soon (she was younger than me, it's crazy), by none other than cyberbullying. Suicide is a never a solution, and I hope that everyone that reads this knows that there's always someone out there who cares for you, who loves you, and their words worth infinitely more than the anonymous toxic comments that fill our social media today. Please don't give up for them.
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Let's now be serious for a second and talk about racism. The streets of America (in thousands of places across all 50 States) recently has been populated by peaceful protesters (and some angry and/or rioters and looters) of all races, demanding justice for the recent killings of African Americans: George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery, with hashtags like #DefundThePolice and #BLM (short for Black Lives Matter) flying around Twitter and Instagram (dan ya, mungkin di media Indo udah padam beritanya, tapi di sini masih berlanjut dengan tiada henti selama lebih dari sebulan. Goes to show how the media is skewed sometimes, hanya masuk berita kalau ada kerusuhan, tapi tidak ketika unjuk suaranya damai. Coba nonton 13th (Netflix) deh, lumayan bagus buat intro tentang hal yg terjadi di sini).
I know I'm not supposed to talk about this publicly. My mom has constantly warned me about voicing my opinion on controversial issues, terutama jika menyangkut dengan pemerintahan Amerika. "Dek, kamu di sana buat belajar ya. Jangan buat mama khawatir." Her worry is rightfully justified, though. As a non-US citizen, I (which I just found out) don't have the rights to the First Amendment i.e free speech, jadi secara hukum, adalah ilegal untuk ikut demo melawan pemerintahan di sini, and any arrest/crime would automatically result in instant deportation and denial of entry to America. My own school (Stanford) has even notified us via email that they are not taking any responsibility or giving any help if such case were to occur. Same thing with the Indonesian Embassy: students are advised to stay silent even on social media cause the US would often do a thorough background check on everyone before granting them their visa. And perhaps I am a coward, but for these reasons, I promise my mom that I would not make any comment about this movement specifically. But let me at least leave you with this: In no g*ddamn world and mind can racism be justified. I think that's something that we can, and should agree upon, regardless of your nationality, race, political or religious belief.
(And if you cannot accept that simple fact, then I strongly encourage to sit down and reflect on your privilege. I find the best way to educate yourself (on top of the many books and videos you can find online) is to engage in respectful conversation. To listen to another's stories, as painful as it may be, and share them with your family and friends, as difficult as it may be. Change is always hard at first. Breaking stereotypes is not easy. But they're all necessary. After all, how can we call ourselves a decent human being if we can't even love one another, be kind to one another and celebrate one another. And there's my two cents.)
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To be continued in 6 months, I guess?
(there are probably many other things that I didn't include in this piece e.g famine, wildfires, etc. There's so much I can write and process at a time...)
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