Language: English
You can find the first part of this piece ('Battling the Impostor Within') through this link, to put everything else below in context.
On June 7th 2019, I received my diploma in Bachelor of Science in Biological Engineering at MIT.
Four years went by so fast, it seems - and I still don't feel ready for adulthood rip - yet the journey was never a smooth sail. I came to MIT for the first time with a lot of uncertainties, but I had one clear goal in mind: to show that I do belong in this school, given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I might have robbed from someone else more deserving of it.
And so freshman year, I worked my ass off, all to justify my spot in this institute. I was on top of everything. Completed every problem set way ahead of time. Aced every single exam with ease. Heck, I even scored a near perfect grade on a subject I absolutely despised: math. All while spending >10 hrs of research in lab each week. Academically, I've achieved every single thing I set out...
...except I realized that I wasn't actually happy.
I was lonely and depressed.
I felt empty inside.
In the pursuit of academic excellence, my derived 'solution' to the impostor syndrome, I forgot the person who I really was - and strived to be - and the promises I've stated in my application not so long ago. I've shied away from many human interactions and potential friendships, and denied myself from many new opportunities, skills and hobbies: all of which are the main reasons why I chose MIT in the first place.
Eventually, I began to question myself once more: "with all of these accomplishments, why do I still feel like I don't belong?"
...
My turning point came at the end of freshman year, where I finally confided to a friend* about my issues. Depression is not something you can deal alone - as I found out the hard way - and while it does take courage to open up and admit your flaws and insecurities, especially in a soul-crushing and intense environment like MIT, being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness, but rather strength and maturity. There is not a more liberating experience than speaking the truth, and only after you acknowledge it, can you start to confront your shortcomings.
As I also learnt from another good friend* later on, that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. That it's totally okay to prioritize joy over MIT, or any other unrealistic demand and unfair expectation that somehow the world (or even yourself) has placed on your own shoulder. It's human to want happiness, and you should never apologize for it.
When I wrote 'Battling the Impostor Within' two years ago, I had just begun my journey of self-discovery. Slowly, my outlook changed - hopefully more for the better than for worse - and the weight that had haunted me since I received that admission letter, was lifted: I had no longer had the immense pressure to over-achieve. No, that does not mean that I was neglecting my academic responsibility: I still gave my all towards my studies and graduated with a perfect GPA, a feat that I didn't know was possible 4 years ago**. But at least now, on top of my academics, I have made actual efforts to explore what MIT really has to offer and find all the little joys in life. So even though I came late to the party, I can say that I graduated MIT Having Truly Found my Paradise. #IHTFP***
...
This time, I chose to title this post with the verb 'battled.' Yes, I have indeed fought it to my utmost capacity, and you could argue that it's my victory at MIT, yet I'm still far from conquering my impostorism. I don't think it'll ever go away, though. For it will remain inside me, hopefully always and every day, keeping me constantly hungry and thirsty for knowledge, and grounding my ego so that I never lose sight of my roots and core desires. Only this time, I would not let myself be overwhelmed again. The journey would obviously never be easy, but I now know that I would always have my support group to lean on, and I look forward to discovering and understanding more of the world and biology, and ultimately my own self.
*y'all know who you are :) Thank you for pointing out these valuable life lessons.
** When I first came to MIT, the three Indonesian seniors at the time all had perfect GPA (only one later graduated with a perfect GPA), which set the bar really high for me and made me felt all the more intimidated and stressful. And true story though, the reason why I never bothered trying to be a premed (a track you take to pursue medical school) was because I didn't think I could ever get a perfect GPA. Funny how it all turned out.
***IHTFP, in case you haven't known it, is a popular, dual-meaning acronym among MIT students: it can either stand for I hate this f place or I have truly found paradise. Eventually, everyone finds the latter to be true.
You can find the first part of this piece ('Battling the Impostor Within') through this link, to put everything else below in context.
On June 7th 2019, I received my diploma in Bachelor of Science in Biological Engineering at MIT.
 |
| as a side note, all engineering majors at MIT give out only Bachelor of Science degrees, and no Bachelor of Engineering. |
Four years went by so fast, it seems - and I still don't feel ready for adulthood rip - yet the journey was never a smooth sail. I came to MIT for the first time with a lot of uncertainties, but I had one clear goal in mind: to show that I do belong in this school, given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I might have robbed from someone else more deserving of it.
And so freshman year, I worked my ass off, all to justify my spot in this institute. I was on top of everything. Completed every problem set way ahead of time. Aced every single exam with ease. Heck, I even scored a near perfect grade on a subject I absolutely despised: math. All while spending >10 hrs of research in lab each week. Academically, I've achieved every single thing I set out...
...except I realized that I wasn't actually happy.
I was lonely and depressed.
I felt empty inside.
In the pursuit of academic excellence, my derived 'solution' to the impostor syndrome, I forgot the person who I really was - and strived to be - and the promises I've stated in my application not so long ago. I've shied away from many human interactions and potential friendships, and denied myself from many new opportunities, skills and hobbies: all of which are the main reasons why I chose MIT in the first place.
Eventually, I began to question myself once more: "with all of these accomplishments, why do I still feel like I don't belong?"
...
My turning point came at the end of freshman year, where I finally confided to a friend* about my issues. Depression is not something you can deal alone - as I found out the hard way - and while it does take courage to open up and admit your flaws and insecurities, especially in a soul-crushing and intense environment like MIT, being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness, but rather strength and maturity. There is not a more liberating experience than speaking the truth, and only after you acknowledge it, can you start to confront your shortcomings.
As I also learnt from another good friend* later on, that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. That it's totally okay to prioritize joy over MIT, or any other unrealistic demand and unfair expectation that somehow the world (or even yourself) has placed on your own shoulder. It's human to want happiness, and you should never apologize for it.
When I wrote 'Battling the Impostor Within' two years ago, I had just begun my journey of self-discovery. Slowly, my outlook changed - hopefully more for the better than for worse - and the weight that had haunted me since I received that admission letter, was lifted: I had no longer had the immense pressure to over-achieve. No, that does not mean that I was neglecting my academic responsibility: I still gave my all towards my studies and graduated with a perfect GPA, a feat that I didn't know was possible 4 years ago**. But at least now, on top of my academics, I have made actual efforts to explore what MIT really has to offer and find all the little joys in life. So even though I came late to the party, I can say that I graduated MIT Having Truly Found my Paradise. #IHTFP***
...
This time, I chose to title this post with the verb 'battled.' Yes, I have indeed fought it to my utmost capacity, and you could argue that it's my victory at MIT, yet I'm still far from conquering my impostorism. I don't think it'll ever go away, though. For it will remain inside me, hopefully always and every day, keeping me constantly hungry and thirsty for knowledge, and grounding my ego so that I never lose sight of my roots and core desires. Only this time, I would not let myself be overwhelmed again. The journey would obviously never be easy, but I now know that I would always have my support group to lean on, and I look forward to discovering and understanding more of the world and biology, and ultimately my own self.
 |
| I graduated! |
 |
| and obv, I couldn't have done it without the amazing support of my family :) |
*y'all know who you are :) Thank you for pointing out these valuable life lessons.
** When I first came to MIT, the three Indonesian seniors at the time all had perfect GPA (only one later graduated with a perfect GPA), which set the bar really high for me and made me felt all the more intimidated and stressful. And true story though, the reason why I never bothered trying to be a premed (a track you take to pursue medical school) was because I didn't think I could ever get a perfect GPA. Funny how it all turned out.
***IHTFP, in case you haven't known it, is a popular, dual-meaning acronym among MIT students: it can either stand for I hate this f place or I have truly found paradise. Eventually, everyone finds the latter to be true.
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